grounding in values.

over the weekend, i went to an edm show (lane 8, if you don’t know him, look him up asap!) by myself. i do this every once in awhile because i usually feel so safe and supported in the crowd and it’s super liberating to be so present with yourself and the music. live music helps my mental health by boosting serotonin as well as my physical health by boosting dancing and head-banging lol.

this particular show was a “this never happened” event meaning it was phone-free. i was so excited to check my phone at the door and lean into discomfort until it became comfort. and i truly had a wonderful time until i didnt.

at this show, i wore my keffiyeh, a scarf signifying solidarity with palestine, which was gifted to me by my palestinian friend. i’ve worn this at many shows. usually i get a few compliments and mostly no one says anything.

but at this show, as i stood about three rows back from the stage enjoying the music (mostly with my eyes closed), a group of younger men walked past me through the crowd on their way out. one of them slowed down when he saw me and pointed at my keffiyeh, saying a word i didn’t understand. i looked at him very confused. he shook his finger in my face and said “very bad”. they passed me and i turned back to the show.

i was uneasy but tried to get back into the music. a few minutes later, the same group of men passed by me on their way back to their spot (there are many other ways they could have gone as they were stationed a bit far from me) and the same one who spoke at me earlier stopped again, this time pointing at my keffiyeh saying “this is ter*orism, you are a ter*orist if you wear this”. i started seeing red and my jaw dropped and all i could get out was “that’s your opinion but okay”. as the group walked away, he trailed off about how he was born in gaza and that i should trust him because he knows.

the folks next to me made sure i was okay and i just let the tears flow for a little bit and stayed the rest of the show.

i immediately recognized this as an aggressive shake back to reality and back to my values. i, like many of you, have been feeling so fatigued by the impossible state of this country and world. after awhile it can feel like our efforts do very little and i had hit this point.

what’s the point in trying to help people heal their bodies if they just go right back out into the world that causes them pain both physically and emotionally?

what’s the point in raising awareness if people have already made up their minds?

what’s the point in voting with my dollars, buying small and supporting local if so many people are going to buy from Amazon anyway?

some days i still ask myself these questions. what helps me stay grounded is getting real clear on my values. real clear on the things that are viscerally important to me. things like being a voice for those who don’t have one. like standing up for folks left in the background. like asking “what happened to you” instead of “what’s wrong with you”.

in therapy we have been brainstorming a word that resonates with me as part of my purpose on this planet. the more i think about it the more i truly believe my purpose is to listen and trust. trust myself, trust the process, trust the universe.

in this brainstorming process, my life motto has recently evolved to: free all oppressed people and be f*cking kind.

these are words i come back to every time i feel lost for purpose or am questioning a decision i made. are my intentions aligned with standing up for the liberation of oppressed people and fostering kindness? yes? that’s all i can ask for. it is not up to us how other people will align with our values. we just stick to our own and if people are willing to listen, great. if not, we cannot let it deter us.

one of my favorite quotes from ehime ora in the book ancestors said, and i’m paraphrasing, is you have to give the pain somewhere to live that’s not in your body. let it live in music, art, whatever. so i let it live in art on sunday and decided to make some keffiyeh earrings.

there are 6 pairs available and are 100% donation based with all proceeds going to the palestinian red crescent society to provide humanitarian aid in palestine.

once i sell out of these, i will make them to order for anyone who wants to wear this symbol of solidarity.

the keffiyeh represents symbols of olive leaves for perseverance, strength and resilience, bold lines for historical trade routes, and fishnet for palestine’s connection to the sea. the keffiyeh is a scared symbol, it is not terrorism.

if wearing this pattern in any form, which to me condemns gen*cide and symbolizes solidarity with the palestinian people and therefore all oppressed people, is ter*orism but what’s happening in our country right now isn’t…well i don’t know what we’ve come to. but catch me wearing my keffiyeh whenever i want.